Curiosity: the secret to coaching

It’s not about having the right answers but asking the right questions

One of the perks (or catches!) of being trustworthy, particularly in leadership and management, is often being the go-to person for problem solving. Anyone who is experienced in their role or is a best friend can find themselves in the position of advisor. So, it’s no surprise our reflex when placed in this position is to respond immediately with our wisest and clearly, very helpful, advice. You know, responses that usually begin with:

• “You should . . . ”
• “Well, if I was you, I would . . .”
• “Have you thought about doing or trying . . . ”

As natural and well-intended as it may be, our advice reflex is not always the most effective way to help. This is especially true when you’re trying to coach someone to higher levels of achievement, performance and critical thinking.

I’ve been reflecting on an episode of Brené Brown’s Dare to Lead podcast, which discussed how we can focus on better coaching rather than falling into the “advice trap.” Perhaps we aren’t as good at giving advice as we think. The podcast notes our advice often doesn’t address the right problem and might even do a disservice when our ego prevents us from helping someone solve a problem themselves. The point is to stop playing the fixer and empower the other to take ownership.

Essentially, the difference between coaching and advising is as simple as asking versus telling. The podcast walks through seven questions you can use to effectively coach someone through an issue. The questions are:

1. What’s on your mind? A time saver because it forces the door wide open.
2. And what else? Stay curious. It may lead a little closer to the heart of the issue.
3. What’s the real challenge? Dig a little deeper.
4. What do you want? Saying something out loud can lead to better feelings.
5. So, how can I help? (Or the blunter, “What do you want from me?”) Transfers power. And another time saver.
6. If you’re saying “yes” to this, to what are you saying “no”? The strategic question.
7. What did you find most useful or valuable from this discussion? The learning question.

While there are more formalised coaching models, what I like about this one is the bottom line: stay curious. Ask one more question than you would have before. I find that freeing because it takes the pressure away from feeling like we need to have all the answers. In fact, all we need are the questions.